O.K. O.K. I admit it. I am like a crack addict on a two-pipe high when it comes to a full-figured fanny, especially the round, tight ones you can bounce a 50 cent coin on.
For the black male, there is no greater voyeuristic joy than to watch the jiggle in the jelly as some little hottie in a tight mini skirt with rhythm in her thighs, shimmy her hips and her tokus down the street.
Mmmhhh, straight butt-er!
When I used to attend classes up by UWI, I used to get whiplash by the time I got to my seat for Economics. The girls up by UWI have got back, in fact, they have the kind of trunk space on them that forces you to go: damn!
Call it what you will: the caboose, derriere, gluteus maximus, twin cheeks, bum, butt, buttock, ass, booty, groove thing, rump, bumper, bon-bon, bootylicious, it is undoubtedly the queen of feminine sex appeal. Booties (note the plural form) come in all different shapes, sizes, textures, but men seem to love each of them in his own way.
Men love nothing better than to lay their hands on that sort of prime real estate, whether it is the sort of ass-et that you can rest a drink on without spilling any, or the round, regular-sized versions which are as cute as butt-ons.
The word is out: we don't care.
Men love to ass-ess female bottoms with almost equal pleasure, and even those women who suffer from that peculiar medical condition referred to as Noassatall are still ass-ured our undivided attention.
It just doesn't matter. In the mind of the black man: all female booties are created equal. Well, almost.
But what's the big deal with black men and the large derriere, anyway?
According to a friend of mine: "The reason why most black man love women with big butts is that you get more cushion for the pushing and you can see the jelly shake like the motions of a wave."
Today's daring fashions can make almost any butt look delectable. But what I've noticed in the last years is the increase in the amount of 'butt-cleavage' you see on the roads. Sometimes, the women go overboard. I don't know about you but I find 'fissures' deeply unsexy. So women, check yourselves, please.
I love perky breasts as much as the next guy. Breasts are the circles of power, cute knobs you can pull on and ya-di-ya-ya, but if she's got a big caboose stuffed into a tight jeans, that is the guarantee to get your juices flowing.
After all, the breast-fixation is largely a white US male phenomenon which the US mass media foists on us. This fixation has forced even great-looking women to 'buy' the ideal body image they desire with breast enhancement surgeries and so forth.
Back in the day, it took hard work to whip and lift a bumper into shape. But now with advances in modern technology, you can magically get the butt you always wanted for a price of course.
Apart from the US$5,000 butt-implant surgery, I was surprised to discover that there are also sorts of booty-enhancing creams on the market. In the manner of Ecclesiastes, there are butt-firming lotions for all seasons: Fanny Firming Lotion, Lubriderm, Lipo Factor, to mention a few.
Jamaican men have a proclivity towards the backside. Our local dancehall culture regales the bumper and its association with a man's mode of transportation, for instance, Johnny P's Bike Back, and Admiral Bailey's 'bumper body with the park light pon it'.
The 'bumper' fascination is not a Caribbean thing entirely. In the US, there have been hits like 1978's Shake Your Groove Thing by Peaches and Herb, KC and the Sunshine Band's Shake Your Booty in 1977, and in the 90s, songs like Tootsie Roll, Rumpshaker (Zoom Zoom), Tag Team's 1993 anthem There It Is, and of course Sir Mix-a-lot's Baby Got Back. In 2000, it was Juvenile's Back That Thing Up and Mystikal's 2001 effort, Shake Ya A__.
The big butt has suddenly become a part of mainstream pop culture with the emergence of J-Lo. We all know that J-Lo's butt belongs in the Booty Hall of Fame, but girls like Beyonce, Kylie Minogue and Shakira have all got the jiggle in their jelly.
Maybe it's just showbiz butts-ploitation, but there is no need to convince me.
One man admits that gravity is not as telling on the female butt as the breasts.
"And if the bumper is a little flabby, a good pair of low-risers or hipsters perks them right up again."
It is the Power of the Boot-ay.
The (female) naysayers contend that 'Jamaican men jus' like dem sorta fat women with big butts because dem easier fi get into bed'. But that's just sour grapes talking. Big butts are in demand. Ask any man, or better yet, just look at what his eyes are drawn to when he's bopping down the street or cruising in his car. Yep, you guessed it, it is all about the boot-ay.
My grandmother used to like to say that God loves rocks, and ordinary people, that's why he made so many of them. A lot of people are ordinary-looking but a great butt can go a long way to equalising things for the average-looking girl in the Dating Game.
Remember, it's that first booty impression that counts.
Why do you think men seem to prefer a big butt? Tell me what you think.